If you’re an American human being, you’ve probably noticed that when summer comes along, you have to be tan. I am naturally very pale/red, and as soon as summer comes around, everyone lets me know it. From my family to my friends to my coworkers, I get “Oh my god why don’t you just go outside? You’re soooo pale (and therefore gross).” Ok people I do go outside, and I get burned and blistery and disgusting. While I thank all of you for your concern with my apparently vile physical appearance, I, like many others before me, head out to various retailers and delve into the stressful world of sunless tanning.
“Omg look at how cute I am with my tan and my belly button ring!” (photo from user …love Maegan on Flickr)
Now, you may be thinking, “Why don’t you just get a spray tan?” In the summer, I return to a very small town that lacks a reputable tanning facility. Also, have you ever gone to get a spray tan and told someone about it? The reaction ranges from, “Ew,” to some hilariously original Paris Hilton reference. You have to be tan to be beautiful and worthwhile, but you also have to be natural. Um, ok great.
This summer I have tried three sunless tanning products: the expensive Pacifica® Coconut Crushed Pearl Bronzing Body Butter, the cheap Fruit of the Earth® Glow+ Vitamin E Daily Cream Moisturizer, and the classic Jergens® Natural Glow Daily Moisturizer.
The expensive: Pacifica® Coconut Crushed Pearl Bronzing Body Butter from Sephora($24)
photo from Google
Pros: If you like coconut/beachy smell, this one’s for you. It smells awesome, and it has an interesting texture that reminds me of those face washes with the crazy magic pore-scrubbing super beads in them. It’s also super sparkly, which I kind of love. When you finally get it looking right, you look way tanner immediately. It is also formulated without parabens, sulfates, and all that other crap that beauty products love to say they don’t have in them.
Cons: When I am shopping for a normal body butter, that texture is definitely not something I would go for. It is a lotion, not sand. Also, this product is extremely time consuming to put on evenly. When you squirt it into your hand, it is literally orange, and you have to do some serious massaging/mixing with plain lotion to make it look okay. I would not recommend using this on your face unless you plan to put a translucent powder on top, because it makes your face super shiny.
Overall, I would say that this is a good product for when you need to look tan for a special occasion but not for every day.
The cheap: Fruit of the Earth® Glow+ Vitamin E Daily Cream Moisturizer from Walmart (about $5.50)
really high-quality photo by me
Pros: Well it is SPF 8, so I guess that is a plus. It smells alright, and didn’t make me break out even though I put it on my face.
Cons: I didn’t notice any color change at all after using it several times. It is white and has the texture of sunscreen which is odd considering most sunless tanning products have a brownish color to them at least. I mean the problem is, it didn’t do anything except maybe moisturize my skin slightly. Not exactly the desired effect.
It does say on the back that it is supposed to be subtle, but I mean, if I am a sunless tanning customer, I want to be able to trick myself into thinking it is working at least a little. Also, the Fruit of the Earth® website did not have it listed as one of their products. Anyone else see an issue with that?
The classic: Jergens® Natural Glow Daily Moisturizer from CVS (around $8)
photo from Google
Pros: It does make a slight difference in skin color without making you look like a pile of rotting Cheetos, and it moisturizes your skin. I would say that it is like a mix between the Pacifica® tanner and the Fruit of the Earth® tanner? It is not immediately noticeable, but it does actually do something.
Cons: It smells horrible. I can just barely stand it. It is not immediately revolting, but every time I use it, I find myself being struck periodically throughout the rest of the day with that, “Ugh what is that smell?” feeling. It has a kind of chemical odor mixed with a warm sweetness, like French Toast Crunch doused with that yellowy unflavored mouthwash. Andbackside one of those dreaded recurring smells- every time your body temperature rises slightly it comes back.
I can nearly guarantee you that every person who has tried sunless tanning has tried this product, and i beg of you- for the sake of my olfactory glands, please pick a different one.
I can’t really give any advice except try to wait it out until tan isn’t a thing anymore. Until then, I’ll be right there with you, standing tall with my burned and orange skin.
I look good, right? (photo from Google)
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